Considering how long I have waited for Leeds United to pull their bloody finger out and get promoted, you would have thought that I would have been singing from the rooftops of our little cul-de-sac.

Surprisingly, I am not, and this isn’t just because there is no wheelchair ramp to the roof of my house.

I couldn’t find a photo of a wheelchair on a roof, so here’s one with a dog instead.

In years gone by, before Claire and I lived together, my friend Simon and I would stay up late in my flat, drinking cider and taking about football. I would fantasise about what I would do the day Leeds won promotion. Sad, isn’t it. Some men fantasise over super models. I would dream of Leeds United.

My best-made plans, from as far back as 2006, would include…

– buying a selection of blue, yellow and white fireworks. Setting them off in the back garden and playing the club’s anthem, Marching on Together, at full volume through a massive speaker.
– finding a pub in town with one of those digital jukeboxes that claims to have every song ever released in it’s library. Play Marching on Together repeatedly. Looking back at this idea, with a more mature, sober and cowardly head, I realise that the pub locals would either be oblivious to the music, or kick my head in.
– catch the train up to Leeds and party hard (probably by myself) outside Elland Road. I am sure my gran, who was alive at the time (God bless her), and lived in Leeds would have been more than happy for me to stay with her. That is unless I got myself arrested by the West Yorkshire Police.
– drink my own weight in Sheppy’s Dabinett cider. My tipple during my twenties. This option could either be executed on its own, or in conjunction with any of the above three ideas.

Hook it up to my veins!

Considering that the majority of those “fantasies” could have resulted in my death – either from third-degree burns, murdered in a pub, or alcohol/cider/apple poisoning – it was very good that Leeds United managed to stay shit long enough for me to reach a level of maturity, where they no longer appealed.

I lie. I haven’t grown up at all. It’s just that my physical health has deteriorated to a point where I would be unable to carry out my dangerous plans.

Even my idea to place champagne on ice didn’t work out. As I am not drinking at the moment, I bought Nosecco instead of the expensive alcy stuff. Then I realised that we didn’t have any ice. No problem – just place the bottle next to a bag of frozen McCain oven chips.

I’ve always wondered what these lorries are transporting.

The last straw was the realisation that we don’t own a champagne bucket. The only bucket we have in the house is a plastic one, used when cleaning the bathroom floor. I don’t think it has been used by Claire or me to puke into, but if we were ever unlucky enough to feel the need to spew, the bucket would be called upon.

Given the magnitude of Leeds’ achievement, I don’t think drinking alcohol-free wine, from a bottle stinking of grease, potato and toilet was really appropriate.

The craziest thing I have done since promotion was confirmed on Friday, was to join Claire in singing Pump It Up! The Whites are going up! This lasted all of 15 seconds, when we realised Roman was petrified. We ceased immediately. I didn’t realise my voice was that bad.

Don’t get me wrong, I am filled with unprecedented joy, but am well aware that I’ve been a bit of a wet drip with celebrating.

Just in case anyone was in any doubt over how happy I am…

Nothing else in my life-to-date has come close to giving me the happiness experienced on the day Claire and I married. Not even Leeds United could manage that!

There are a small number of other treasured moments, which I suppose could be called the “joint second” happiest days of my life.

I won’t list them all here – firstly, because one or two are a little personal.

Secondly, if I was to accidentally forget a special moment, anyone connected to that event could take huge offence and demand to know why my great uncle Felix’s 96th birthday party from 1984 has been omitted.

By the way, as far as I know, I have never had a relative named Felix. I am not that callous.

What I am trying to say – slowly and badly – is that while my wedding day remains the happiest day of my life – Leeds United winning promotion to the Premier League as CHAMPIONS, is a joint second! It is also without a shadow of a doubt, my greatest sporting moment.

I’ll probably blog a lot more about Leeds and their great success over the next few days, weeks, months. OK, maybe not months – chances are they will have returned to being rubbish by September.