Apparently Leeds United are in Yeovil this afternoon for a game they will surely lose. 500,000 fans are expected to turn up in the West Country, having all booked tickets the day after Leeds beat Manchester United in the FA Cup.

Now things are very different. 3 months on, Leeds have blown promotion, a feat even Father Dougal Maguire would fail to replicate, given Leeds’ healthy position at the start of 2010.

So what do the masses of Leeds fans do during their Easter Monday visit to Somerset? Certainly not travel to Huish Park and watch what will almost certainly be an embarrassing defeat to a bunch of 6-fingerd inbreds.

Living in the West Country, I have come up with a list of ‘Things to do in Somerset’ for my friends from the north…

1) Visit a cider farm
Cider may have gone up by 1000%, but that tax doesn’t apply to the farms hidden off the country roads. No tax man is going to question an angry farmer armed with a pitch fork. Before you start drinking, a word of warning – Somerset cider is not like Tetley’s. If you drink too much, you’ll wake up five days later, naked and tied to a cow shed somewhere in Shepton Mallet.

2) Ride a yokel
As long as you don’t approach from behind, these can be trained like the dragons on Avatar. Just don’t take out of Somerset as this causes their head to explode.

3) Cause a riot
A short way from Yeovil, and in fact just outside of Somerset, is Bristol. Look for the meanest, hardest pub you can find – I suggest starting in Hartcliffe (pronounced ‘arrcliff) . Then wear either a Cardiff City or Swansea City football shirt. Bristolian’s are notorious for their hatred of anything representing Welsh football. For added violence, wear an Alistair Darling mask and ask the bartender if he is adding on the extra tax on Thatcher’s Gold. Warning: This may lead to serious injury or death.

4) Wind up a Manchester United fan
They say you are never more than 6 feet away from a rat. In Somerset, the same can be said about Manchester United fans – they’re everywhere. As Leeds supporters are invading the county, may I suggest bringing the local ManYoo fans a gift. You could also remind them the Carling Cup is not a real competition and, like Leeds, they won’t win anything else this season.