Bath City 2-0 Darlington
Conference National
Saturday 8th October 2011 – 15:00 

I rarely write a blog about Bath City home games. This is because short of doing a match report, which I would be rubbish at, there wouldn’t be much to write about. I’m being serious. A typical home game would involve the following… Get out of bed. Walk over the bridge to the Twerton. Go into ground. Say a little prayer. Watch game. Eat a doughnut at half time. Cry about our loss at full time. Go into clubhouse. Drink cider. Walk home.

Yesterday was different though and deserves a blog. For the first time since April, we won a game. Yes, you read it right – Bath City won a game of football! “You’re taking the piss” I hear you all shout – “Who were you playing? Blind Wanderers FC?” Admittedly, we may as well have been. Our opponents were Darlington.

The north east has generally been a hot bed of football. You have Newcastle and Sunderland, while further south there’s Middlesbrough and Leeds. OK, hardly Milan, but more than respectable in their own right. In the middle of all those clubs is poor Darlington. When I was a teenager, I was lead to believe that they were as good as Barcelona. This was because my English teacher was a massive fan. He not only taught me the works of William Shakespeare, but that The Quakers were the best football team ever and always will be. Based on yesterday’s performance, he lied.

Despite 13 games without a win, there was a large turnout of support yesterday, mainly because the club dished out a few hundred free tickets at local universities. As a result, Twerton Park turned into a Freshers’ Fair. I’m certainly not complaining about the student invasion, it was nice to get a decent crowd. A couple of students did take up residence in my usual spot on the terrace, which caused me slight irritation. They were soon moved on, without the need for me to find a prodding stick. I just hope that some of those students return and pay for future games. It was great to have a well-attended game and the money generated will help the club.

If the players were set a mission to sell the club to the students, they did the perfect job. Like I said earlier, I’m crap at writing a match report. Let’s just say we ticked every single box in the ‘How to Play Football’ book. Scored a goal. CHECK. Kept a clean sheet. CHECK. Won the game. CHECK. I’m not going to be like my former English teacher and say we played like Barca, I’m no liar. If I was to compare our performance to a Spanish club, I would say Real Madrid. Except without the cheating. And that idiot of a manager. And that idiot Ronaldo. So yes, Bath City are better than Real Madrid.

Yes, we won. I couldn’t believe it. At full time I stood motionless on the terrace, staring at the Sky Sports Score Centre App my iPhone, which displayed the fulltime score BATH CITY 2-0 DARLIGNTON. Then I went and drank Thatchers in the clubhouse. After waiting 161 days for a win, I was tempted to drink myself into a cider-induced coma. I didn’t. However, if we beat Cambridge United on Tuesday, I cannot guarantee the excitement of back-to-back victories will not force me to intravenously hook myself up to a cider barrel.

Today I celebrated the victory by downloading the Bath City team on Fifa 12. I then played Manchester United, albeit on the very easy setting. I beat them 7-0. If we meet in the FA Cup next January, I am sure the outcome will be the same. Just like if World War 3 ever breaks out, I will be able to take on the enemy single-handedly – just like I did on Call of Duty. Video games are real.