I received a disturbing text message this afternoon. Dan was rather displeased about the infrequency of my blogging, so sent me threats of violence via SMS. I was shocked and had to sit down as I was so perturbed.

I could have done one of three things. Firstly, ignore his threats of violence and hope he doesn’t come after me with a machete. Secondly, contact my KGB buddy, Valentin Zukovsky, and ask that he “takes care of Dan” with some poison. Or, simply take the easy solution and just write a blog.

I chose the third option…

This evening, I went to Sainsbury’s to do a bit of shopping. After money had changed hands, I headed for the exit, wheeling my shopping trolley past fellow customers, all of whom pissed me off, simply by getting in my way.

While racing down the side of the shop, I notice something quite bizarre – a box full of cat food, kitty litter and animal toys. This box had been placed in store to encourage animal-loving customers to buy presents for unwanted felines.

I’m sure that Mr. Jay Sainsbury was more than happy to place such a container in his shop, after all every time a customer makes a donation, Jay makes a nice profit. Why anybody would want to buy a treat for some mangy cat that they will never see and will probably be put to sleep by New Year, is a mystery to me.

I suppose there was no chance of a box being made available where customers could donate food, which would be sent to the third world? Maybe Jay could donate something himself? The whole thing reminded me of a sketch by David Mitchell and Robert Webb.

I did ask a spokesman for Sainsbury’s about the matter. He would like to remain anonymous, so I’ll just call him S. Goater, no that’s too obvious, Simon G…

Simon G. said that his company are planning to help other charities in the future, including “Free the Mad Bears”. After my encounter with a cashier on Checkout #8 this evening, I think the mad bears have already been set free, and are working in the shop!

In case you were wondering what was purchased in Sainsbury’s, it wasn’t just groceries. All will be revealed in Fridays blog…