Saturday was a long day and full of drama…

With Claire working, I decided to spend the morning watching some television that I like, and she isn’t a huge fan of. This started with the previous evening’s Friday Night Dinner. “Whaaaat?” you say? “Friday Night Dinner on a Saturday morning? FRIDAY N-I-G-H-T Dinner?” Yes, that’s right. I don’t like by the rules. I’m mad, bad and dangerous to know. Speaking of bad, I was disappointed with this week’s episode of FND. It was the finale of a truly excellent series, which included psychotic little girls, dead foxes, crazy old men who look like Hitler and horrible piano tuners. This episode, which, unlike all the others, wasn’t set on Friday night, featured a wedding. While funny in places, it was generally a let-down. I’m sorry, creators of FND, but I’m going to do it. I’m going to use the phrase nobody wants to hear about their own television creation… WORST EPISODE EVER.

After enduring FND, I made my way through some South Park episodes I hadn’t seen for a while, or, in some cases, not at all. There I was, happily enjoying a storyline about how Cartman rigged the US General Election, to prevent The Chinese from getting the rights to Star Wars (there is a link, watch the episode), when I noticed something in the street outside…

A very smartly dressed man and two children, were walking from house to house, ringing and knocking doorbells. Nobody answered. This wasn’t because there wasn’t anyone home, all the house windows were open, due to the hot weather. The reason no resident came to the door, was because they were avoiding whoever was at the door! The smartly dressed man and the two children were up to something strange… they didn’t appear to be selling anything; nor were they charity workers. This looked much worse. From my view on the sofa, it looked to as if they were trying to preach and force their religion upon others. That’s right, they were Jehovah’s Witnesses! The worse kind of door-to-door disturbers.

I muted the television and quickly headed for the kitchen. While you cannot see into the house from outside, we have net curtains and if you were to press your face up against the windows, you would be able to view into our front room. Given the fact these Jehovah’s Witnesses not only rang the doorbell of the house opposite, but banged on the door when there was no answer, they appeared to be determined. I lay, in fear, in the kitchen, waiting for my own doorbell to be rung. I waited for my summons. I waited and waited. Would I be here for hours? Would it be days? I was grateful for the small mercy that there was a water supply and enough food to see me through for a couple of weeks. I remember hoping that this would be enough. Then the next door neighbour’s dog started barking. The Jehovah’s Witnesses were close. The dog was then silenced. Probably killed and eaten. Then, the terrifying moment I was waiting for arrived. The doorbell of my own house rang. They were here.

I stood in fear in my kitchen, knowing ‘they’ were outside. It was then I remembered something truly petrifying. The window in the front room was open! There was an entry to my house. Granted, it was only a small gap, but an easy obstacle for a determined Jehovah’s Witness. It wouldn’t take much for one of the slim children to climb through, find me and preach about Armageddon.

I remained in the kitchen, in silence, hoping they would leave me alone and walk away. After what seemed like hours, when in fact it was probably 30 seconds, I heard them walk away. I recall the child asking the smartly dressed man why nobody answered their doors. I wasn’t able to hear his response. I was free. I was safe. Later that morning, I saw the trio of preachers walking up the road. They were trying to gain access to the garden of another house through the back gate. A chill ran up my spine.

By the way, if there is no blog from me tomorrow, it is probably because the world has been hit by a meteorite, a la Armageddon , as today’s post has pissed off all the Jehovah’s Witnesses in the universe. They’ll all be dead too, but at least they can say “I told you so”

There were more scares to come for me. No sooner had I settled down on the sofa to watch some more South Park episodes, than a giant wasp flew in through the window. At least I assume it was a wasp. Perhaps one of the Jehovah’s Witnesses had morphed into a flying creature. Wasps are stupid shits. This one managed to find its way through the window, crawl around the net curtain and enter the house. It then decided it wanted to leave, but was unable to find its way out. The wasp was too furious to allow me to catch it in a jar and if I had been a Good Samaritan and attempted to pick it up and set it free in the garden, the bastard would no doubt have stung me. It was him or me. I returned to the kitchen. Not to hide, this time, but to get my age old weapon… the can of insect spray – last used on a giant spider in my flat. I sprayed the wasp until it was docile enough to allow me to catch it in a glass and drop it out the front door. I’d like to think it recovered from its ordeal, woke up and flew home to its family. In reality, it’s probably dead.

The afternoon was spent was Twerton Park, watching Bath City against Cheltenham Town in the final home preseason friendly. It was unbearably hot. I was sweating like a pig and all I was doing was stood watching the game. I don’t know how the players, who had to run around for 90 minutes, didn’t die. I suppose being trained athletes had something to do with that.

After the hottest game of football I’ve ever had the misfortune to attend, I made my way to the slightly cooler sponsor’s lounge, deep in the bowels of Twerton Park’s main stand. It was the Supporters Club AGM, followed by another talk on away travel. This seemed to go on for hours. It did. By the time I left, it was almost 7pm. All I wanted at this point was to eat, drink and sleep. Which, when I got home, is what I did. This is why Saturday’s blog is being written on a Sunday. Crazy, huh? What did I tell you? Mad, bad and dangerous to know.