I hate that new Strongbow advert. The one where happy people gather in a warm, inviting-looking pub, to listen to live music, from that world-renowned duo, Rob and Chris.

It’s not the pub, people or music that I despise. Cheesiness aside, it’s all rather nice. What isn’t nice, is Strongbow cider.

I rarely drink, these days. In fact, I am practically teetotal. However, when I was partial to a cider, I would always steer clear of Strongbow.

As far as commercial ciders went, I had some clear favourites…

1. Sheppys
2. Thatchers
3. Westons

These were the “proper” ciders, in which you could actually taste the apple. Believe it or not, despite modern ciders being made from cherry, banana, toffee and Marmite, it was traditionally made from apple!

Then you had the fashionable ciders – Bulmers and Magners. The fact that these drinks are traditionally served over ice, when real cider traditionally is not, should set alarm bells ringing.

Right at the bottom of the cider chart is White Lightning, White Stripe, White Rat (probably). Basically, any cider which calls itself “white” is better suited (and safer) as a drain cleaner than a beverage.

So where, in my opinion – and for legal reasons I must stress that this blog post is entirely my opinion – does Strongbow fit in?

Luckily for Robert and Christopher, I would place it higher than the “White Shite” variety. Although, sadly for the boys, that is all. I would rather drink a sacralidge pint of Bulmers over ice, than go anywhere near a Strongbow.

I always thought of Strongbow as a drink enjoyed by students and middle-class fake chavs. Middle-class chavs, because your traditional chav can only afford white-shite cider. Thanks to the bank of mummy and daddy, fake chavs have the finances to buy a more expensive, higher quality – or rather, “less shit” – cider.

You’ll therefore find fake chavs loitering on street corners – bottle of drink in one hand, self-rolled cigarette in another; trying to behave like Tinhead from a 1997 episode of Brookside, but instead looking like Walter from The Beano.

You won’t find students or fake chavs, in a nice pub, listening to Rob and Chris…

… and that is my very long-winded way of explaining why I dislike the Strongbow advert so much.

I’ll just need to remind any lawyers reading my blog, this is all just my opinion and not based on fact. What do I know anyway? I don’t even drink. For all I know, Strongbow may taste great. Heck, Prince Harry probably served it at his wedding.

Living in Somerset, generally anything goes. Although there are two strict rules. The first rule is that you never steal your neighbour’s cow. The second rule, and perhaps the most important, is that you never, ever, EVER drink cider with ice. I shamefully broke that rule this evening. Worse still, the crime was committed with the best cider you can buy – Sheppys Dabinett.

In my defence, the weather was extremely hot, I wanted to relax with a drink while watching the World Cup and there was nothing in the fridge. Given the extreme temperatures, a warm cider was not an option. If you find me guilty of this heinous crime, I will accept my punishment and exile myself back to York.