Last night, England qualified for the World Cup, by beating some team at Wembley… I think it was either Slovenia or Slovakia. It could well have been Greenland, such was my lack of interest. I watched the final five minutes. It was poor, and listening to the commentary, it sounded like the previous 85 minutes had been just as boring.

England scored in injury time, to win 1-0 and qualify for next year’s tournament in Russia. I sighed. What is the point in even going? We’ve seen it all before. England will be crap. If they do make it through the group stage, they’ll inevitably lose in the first knockout round.

Before you could call me cynical, remember – England haven’t beaten any country in a knockout stage since Ecuador in 2006. They have been beaten by Portual (twice), Germany, Italy and Iceland. Not forgetting, that in 2008, they didn’t even qualify, and in 2014, failed to make it out of their group. Not good, is it?

I am looking forward to the World Cup, but only because I will be able to watch good teams… Germany, Argentina, Brazil and Spain, amongst others (not England).

As England have absolutely no chance of winning the damn thing, why not make their visit to Russia more entertaining? Instead of taking a squad of well-known players from The Premier League, England manager, Gareth Southgate, should run a competition. Inite Sunday League and pub team players to win a place in the World Cup squad. It doesn’t matter how old, slow, alcohol dependant, or obese they are – anyone can enter, and anyone can win a place on the plane to Russia!

If the regular England squad was to play World Champions, Germany, right now, they would probably lose 5-0. If a Dog and Duck XI faced Germany, they’d probably lose 50-1. A loss is a loss, regardless of the score line. However, watching Benson and Hedges try to stop Mesut Özil from scoring would be a lot funnier than getting depressed as Gary Cahill and John Stones struggle to do the same.

I use a crutch, so there is zero chance of me running, but the thought of getting an England cap and playing against Portugal – hopefully breaking Cristiano Ronaldo’s leg with my walking aid – sound appealing. When’s training, Gaz?

For years, I have watched England enter both World Cups and European Championships. Every time, I have believed that this will be our year, the players will gel, performing as well for their country as they do their club and lead our nation to victory. Every tournament – usually ten minutes into the opening match – my dreams go up in smoke.

Did I mention I was talking about the England men? You know – Wayne Rooney, John Terry, Ashley Cole – those useless gobshites.

Luckily, our country has a football team to be proud of. There are three differences between this new team and the one associated with the likes of Sven, Roy Hodgson and ongoing failure.

The differences are…
1) They really want to win for their country
2) They’re not shit
3) They are women

The Lionesses, who two years ago came 3rd in the World Cup, two years ago, have now reached the semi-finals of the European Championships, having beaten Scotland, Spain, Portugal and France. Imagine the men claiming victories against these teams – they can’t even beat Scotland!

It isn’t just the English girls who are a joy to watch. Players from all sides in the competition generally want to win. Remarkably, there is no diving, no theatrical performances, after a foul or mistimed tackle, and no surrounding the referee, after a decision is made that they don’t like. You would never see this in a match involving men.

In fact, the vast majority of aspects we all complain about, don’t seem to be present in the women’s game.

England play their next game on Thursday night, against the host nation – The Netherlands. I am sure that they will continue to do themselves and our country proud. Let’s all get behind them and give the girls the support they deserve!

I’m putting it out there now – it’ll end in tears. Tears and a huge pay off for Allardyce when he is sacked.

I’m not going to spend long doing this blog, as I don’t want to waste anymore of my life on the useless shower of shit that is the England National Football Team.

I’ll admit that I thought England would beat Iceland, but only because “on paper”, they should. I also had a very bad feeling about the game. A bad feeling because I have seen England teams fail time after time, in an unacceptable and humiliating fashion, during major tournaments.

The England footballers live in their own bubble, isolated from the rest of the world, where they believe that they are superior to every man, woman, child and non-English footballer. With that attitude, which has followed them around, like a fart in a car, since Euro 96, they thought they would just have to turn up in Nice and Iceland would roll over and be crushed.

Iceland had other ideas. With a population of just over 300,000 that means there are approximately 150,000 men. That leaves about 30,000 men between the age of 18 and 40 to choose from. That is less than the attendance at Elland Road. Iceland could turn up at Leeds United and pick 23 fans from the crowd, to play for them – and guess what, I bet that team would beat England too! An England side whose players get tens of thousands of pounds a week – millions of pounds a year – EACH! For what? Being English.

The England players are average, but because they’re English, cost a hell of a lot more than their superior foreign counterparts. They therefore think they are some form of football God. They’re not a God, they’re just lucky. Lucky that they live in a country which has a franchise known as The Premier League. Lucky that they’re surrounded by talented foreign players, who carry them throughout their club career, and make them look better than they are. They didn’t do anything to justify their millions, besides being born in England. If they had been born in Iceland, France or Germany, their weekly pay packet would be much smaller.

The result didn’t surprise me. I’ve seen England crash out of more tournaments than I care to remember. What did surprise me is the levels of shit they stoop to during every tournament.

The manager, Roy Hodgson has been equally embarrassing as they players. He should have left after the last World Cup, which was the most humiliating experience I have every witnessed as an England fan – until yesterday. Yes, he resigned yesterday – well fuckin’ done – Roy’s contract was up anyway. Had he had any decency, he would have resigned two years ago, but oh no, with his multi-million pound pay packet, Hodgson can revel in getting rich for failing (just like the players).

Roy was given years to find his preferred team, but even during the tournament he didn’t know his best formation or players. What a useless shit. The only thing you can guarantee is he will find a way to get Wayne Rooney into the team. England are full of average players, and Rooney isn’t even the best player in that team! He was great in Euro 2004, but that was over a decade ago!

I don’t know who will replace Hodgson. Whoever it’ll be will be the wrong appointment, as The FA never ever get it right. I really fear that they will go for Gareth Southgate – the England Under 21 manager. Southgate may have worked with the youngsters, but he has been everything the failure with them that Hodgson was with the senior flops. If the FA dare appoint Southgate, I’ve had it with them.