With twenty five minutes until England kick off, their crucial World Cup game against Uruguay, I am still struggling to find a topic to blog about. Therefore, in a Sean’s Story first, and almost certainly last, I will be live blogging throughout the game. Don’t expect tactical analysis, I’ll no doubt get players names wrong and probably digress from the match altogether. I also know it is extremely unlikely that anyone will be reading it live, or even hours/days/weeks/months/years after it is written, but it’ll be a bit of fun for me. Off we go…

22:04 – Phil Jagielka with curry down his shirt. We’ve all been there.

21:58 – I don’t think I’ll be doing a live blog again. I hope you enjoyed reading it more than I did writing it x

21:55 – Never mind. England can still qualify if an Italian defender farts in tomorrow’s game and a Costa Rican mascot turns into a goat.

21:51 – England lose. Mystic Sean was right. Spooky, but sad.

21:50 – Sean’s psychic prediction: England won’t win this game.

21:49 – Gerrard’s shot would be greeted by a “whaaay!” if he had been at a non-league ground.

21:47 – Football’s coming home… on a plane back to London next week.

21:46- Looks like I’ve done too much blogging tonight. Web browser grinding to a s-l-o-w halt.

21:45- The #hodgsonout trend on Twitter reinforces my dislike towards the attitude of many England fans.

21:40-🙁

21:37- More importantly than a step towards qualification – if England score another goal, I get a half price pizza tomorrow night from Papa John’s.

21:33- You see what I did earlier? The old “we won’t score” trick. I’ll take credit for the goal, thank you.

21:31- Wow. Rooney scores. I missed the goal because a pig just flew through the bedroom window.

21:28- England make me angry. Angry and tired.

21:23- How’s this for an expert prediction… Sean’s Stories can exclusively reveal that England WON’T score tonight. You’ve heard it here first, guys. Sorry.

21:20- I’ve just realised that I have been watching 1 minute behind the actual live game. Must have paused the TV sometime before kick off. I thought I was following a lot of psychics on Twitter.

21:13- The Uruguay goalkeeper is dead. RIP. Dig a whole and fucking bury him.

21:11- Blimin’ ‘eck. I thought Rooney had scored there. He will never score in a World Cup. Never ever.

21:09- Stressed? Just another day at the office for me. I’m a Leeds fan.

21:04- I’m back. Did I miss much? Evidently not. I spend my half time washing up and going for a wee. How did you spend yours? Listening to Adrian Chiles analyse the first half? Sounds like my 15 minutes was more interesting.

20:48– Half time and England are losing. What shall I do for the next 15 minutes? Well, I could either do the washing up, or watch this on loop.

20:42– As Twitter reacts to Luiz Suarez’s goal and England going behind, Bird’s Eye find an opportune moment to tweet an advert for a fish finger sandwich. Great timing.

20:40– Oh for fucks sake….

20:36– Leighton Baines, England’s left back, reminds me of a blog I will be writing in the upcoming days. My local council, BANES, neglected to take my food recycling this morning. I now have to keep a box of festering old food on my property for another week. There will be blood…

20:32– Yaaaay!!!! The shaving foam has come out. Oh, and Rooney nearly scored. NEARLY. He’s still shit.

20:32– Danny Welbeck isn’t playing well either. I hate it when players perform better for their club than country. To be fair to the lad, Welbeck is bad for both.

20:28 – My second observation of the night – Wayne Rooney is shit.

20:26– Andy Townsend has just commented on England’s poor passing. A whole FIVE MINUTES after I made the observation. Get me a job on ITV!!!

20:24– I can’t get over how small Raheem Sterling is. He must live in the middle of one of those Russian dolls.

20:22 – For those few individuals with an even worse football knowledge base than me – giving the ball away is bad. 🙁

20:21– I’m no football expert, but we look to be giving the ball away quite a bit…

20:18 – Tea has been consumed. A bottle of cold beer awaits. Just a small one – it’s a school night.

20:16– I’m still here. Can’t blog. Eating.

20:10– I am having a mare! Not only did I drop the knife earlier, but when trying to remove my pie from its tin case, the vegetables went everywhere! On the football front, Wayne Rooney nearly scored, but you don’t really care about that.

20:08– England have a free kick. Disappointing, Not because we didn’t score, but because the referee didn’t use that shaving foam stuff to draw a line in where the defenders should stand.

20:05 – The lid is off the pie. I repeat the lid is off the pie.

20:03 – The U-R-Gay goalie just dropped the ball. If this was a non-league game, with opposition fans stood behind him, he would be enduring chants of “Dodgy keeper!” right now.

20:02 – Oh fuck! No, I haven’t dropped another knife. I have just realised those idiots Clive Tyldesley and Andy Townsend are commentating.

20:00 – I’m sure you’re all concerned about the knife and how I’ll be able to consume my meal. I am pleased to say I have a new knife. I hope Jo Hart has better hand control over the football than I did over the knife!

19:58 – Oh fuck! I’ve just dropped my knife on the floor. Back to the kitchen I go.

19:55 – More concerning than the England game, I have forgotten to bring any ketchup or mayo for my wedges. That pie better be juicy.

19:53 – Crickey, Andros Townsend’s forehead is almost as wide as the stand behind him.

19:51 – This is tea. Eat your heart out, Jamie Oliver. I must add, my comment about keeping the meal British was not going into dodgy ground. Don’t worry, I’m not going all Nick Griffin on you. England are playing, so I should probably eat an English dish.

19:40 – My tea is in the oven. Pie and potato wedges. I’m keeping it British. I’m just off to the kitchen to microwave some vegetables, then dinner is served.

On Saturday, like 15 million other people in this country, I stayed up to 1am watch the England game. I am still feeling the effects of this today – I’m very, very tired and wanted to kill my alarm clock when it woke me up this morning. Coffee hasn’t even helped. Anyone have any ideas of how I can get through the day? Class A drugs? Eating an entire jar of Nescafe? Stabbing myself in the eye? Your suggestions are most welcome.

If you want an England football shirt ahead of the World Cup, it has been well documented that you can expect to pay up to £90. Most people in this country have common sense and don’t wipe their behinds with fifty pound notes, so won’t be buying the new shirt.

So what alternatives are there if you want to show your allegiance to your national side this summer? I have it on good merit that Dangerous Dave is selling knock-offs for a tenner at Twerton Market every Thursday. Where do they come from? Ask him no questions, he’ll tell you no lies.

If you want to buy something more legitimate, without lining the pockets of the greedy English Football Association, do what I have done. Buy a retro shirt. This was £25 and available from all good sports retailers and some bad ones.

This is an England shirt from the 1990 World Cup. It is only a replica and not match-worn, so you don’t have to worry about it being soiled by Gazza’s tears or Gary Lineker’s excrement.

I know that by buying this shirt The FA will get less money. Poor them. No doubt the top directors, on their miniscule salaries will only be able to afford three private yachts. Worse still, they may have to sell their private villas in Tuscany. I feel kind of bad now.