I can officially tell you how to get a free iPhone X. There is no catch and it won’t cost you anything.

This is a genuine life hack, which “they” don’t want you to know.

OK, a few things… I don’t know who “they” are. Although, after reading numerous online advertisements, “they” are scared of everything from slot machine hacks, to anti-aging cream, which makes a 90-year-old woman look nine. “They” must be terrified of this!

By following MY simple steps, your friends and colleagues will think you have an iPhone X…

Oh, and my tips do not exactly get you a physical phone, although everyone will think you have one – and isn’t that the most important thing?

Considering most iPhone X owners are smug bastards, who love to show off, my FREE advice will produce the same outcome as owning the overpriced brick…

You can be a smug git, while your friends will be green with envy – unless they own an Android, in which case they won’t give a shit about your silly toy fruit telephone.

Right, here’s the advice… On your Nokia 3310 open your email settings. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have a Nokia 3310 – this trick will work with inferior handsets (e.g. iPhone 8) too.

While in your email settings, change your signature to “Sent from my iPhone X”. This will make any recipient believe you have a brand spanking new, overpriced, twat toy.

Here is an email I sent to the World’s Number 1 iPhone Fan – Bill Gates!

I am a winner!

Every Friday, I enter competitions. I take to Twitter and search for the three hashtag- #Giveaway, #Competition and #FreebieFriday.

Entry to these competitions, found in the resulting searches, usually involves you following the company running the contest, as well as retweeting and liking the tweet in question.

To avoid filling my followers’ timelines with annoying company endorsing retweets, I have a seperate Twitter account for entering these compos.

I’ve entered contests, where you can win anything from a teabag to a top of the range television. Today’s prize was neither drinkable or watchable.

I won…

An Adidas football!

What a fantastic prize for somebody who hasn’t kicked a ball since 2006 and uses a mobility scooter, whenever he’s out of the house.

I think I may take it to Bath City and ask if the players can sign it for me. Being realistic, it’ll remain in the jiffy bag it arrived in, sat in a cupboard gathering dust, before eventually getting relegated to the garage.

Despite completing the sticker albums for both World Cup 2014 and Euro 2016, I swore blindly that I would NEVER do the same for this year’s tournament. How wrong I was. After kindly being gifted an album and no less than 100 packets to fill it with, I thought it would be rude not to go the full hog and make it 3 out of 3 and spend even more money on grossly overpriced sticky bits of paper.

Thinking 300 stickers would be enough to complete this year’s offering, I spent over £100 on two further boxes. It took ages to peel and meticulously place the sticker into the album, using all the care and precision of a brain surgeon.

This process seemed to take forever. At the end of the task, I had a huge pile of swapsies (duplicate stickers) and an incomplete album. In fact, from 300 stickers, I only managed to finish two teams – Brazil and England!
It wasn’t quite as bad as it sounds. I was only 83 stickers short of completing the album. It is possible to order up to 50 stickers of your choice, direct from the manufacturer, Panini, I ordered 50 and kindly asked Claire to request the remaining 33.

The remaining stickers arrived surprisingly promptly, and according to the tracking details, went on an interesting journey, visiting all the glamorous locations across Europe – Bologna, Leipzing and… Swindon.

My laptop took all afternoon and a fair chunk of this evening to install some updates from Windows. I have no idea why this latest update was so big, but I was told in no uncertain terms that if I need not perform this update, I would not receive any further updates and my PC would be a risk. Uh-oh. The problem was, to install the update, to allow updates, I needed to install ANOTHER update – to the BIOS.

I performed the BIOS update with ease (I even took a photo!). The Windows update, though, took ages. Hours and hours, in fact. At least my laptop didn’t start updating itself, while I was doing something important, which is when they normally strike (cheers, Bill Gates).

My Bank Holiday Monday afternoon was mostly spent playing Sonic the Hedgehog. As well as re-living my youth, I also completed a long overdue job. No, not make a blog post! I backed up my hard drive of DVD Rips.

Now before you all dial 999 and arrange for my house to be raided at 4am, let me make one thing clear. Every film and television episode I have on my hard drive, I own the DVD for. I don’t use torrents and I don’t shoplift from HMV. So you can forget about calling Miss Marples.

My collection of titles on the hard drive is vast, and has taken many years to obtain. Therefore, if the hard drive ever snuffed it, I’d be very sad, as would my wife, who also regularly watches films through it – and as all married men know, a happy wife is a happy husband.

I therefore spent many hours, copying the contents of my main hard drive – AKA The Beast – onto two smaller drives. All’s good. Now if The Beast ever kills itself, my couch potato’s dream can be salvaged.