Despite the fact I don’t live too far away from Salisbury – the city involved in all the Russian poisoning stuff – today’s blog title is not a secret phrase to communicate with MI6 spies. Although on the off-chance I have inadvertently stumbled across highly classified information, I think that it would be wise of me to avoid eating at Zizzi for the next couple of months.

The reason I have blogged today, is because I have an update on the Leeds United face mask, which Hermes failed to get to me, after apparently delivering to the wrong address.

As I just love to keep you all in suspense, before I reveal the update, I would first like to make a point regarding my original post on this matter.

On 27th June 2020, I published a blog entry entitled “So Simple, A Rat Could Do It“. The post title and content compared the intelligence of a Hermes delivery driver to that of a rat. On hindsight, I now realise that this was grossly unfair…

Clearly, the intelligence of a Hermes employee is incomparable to that of a rat. I would like to apologise to all rats, as well as hamsters, shrews and other small rodents. They clearly demonstrate far greater intelligence than a typical Hermes courier.

Apologies done, I can now tell you all where my face mask is…

It’s lost.

Marvellous. Congratulations, Hermes. Next time I order something from Leeds United, I am going to ask that a vole take charge of delivery.

To make matters worse, Leeds United cannot send me a replacement face mask, as they have sold out. Looks like it’ll be a Hello Kitty one for me…

I do wonder where my Leeds mask ended up. Presumably in the possession of the owner of whatever letterbox the simpleton decided to carelessly chuck it through.

I am not holding out too much hope in ever receiving my precious mask – especially as I believe that I saw it on telly over the weekend.

To make matters worse, not only does it appear that the incorrect recipient was wearing the mask, but also listing it on eBay…

There are many professions where, despite the job being important, there is just one major duty involved. Get this bit right and you can fairly say that you have done well.

If you are a surgeon, you must know which leg is supposed to be amputated, or the correct kidney to remove.

As an undertaker, it is clearly crucial that you carry out the necessary work on the correct deceased individual. Placing the corpse of a renowned mass murderer in a coffin reserved for a ‘Beloved Dad, Brother, Husband’ probably wouldn’t go down too well – especially at an open-casket funeral.

Now a question for you all… what would be the most important aspect of a courier’s job? Ensuring that you don’t get chased by fierce dogs? Allocating enough time to drop into the post office for a cup of tea and natter with the delectable Mrs Goggins? Those both sound very important – especially the latter, considering Mrs Goggins’ husband, Fireman Sam, is away on a stag weekend.

Believe it or not, as a person in charge of delivering parcels, the most important job is also the most basic of tasks – getting the correct package to the correct recipient.

I am sure chimpanzees have been shown how to work out similar conundrums. Scientists have probably successfully taught pigs too. Even rats have demonstrated the ability to drive. Therefore, if anyone was to experience difficulties in delivering a letter or parcel to it’s intended address, it would be fair to say that they have a lower IQ than a rat.

Yesterday morning, I received an email from the courier firm, Hermes. If you have encountered this company before, you will probably know what they’re like. If you have not, let’s just say that they have a reputation. I’ll allow you to make your own mind up as to whether this reputation is good or bad – just search for them on Google and read through some of the results…

The email advised that a parcel had been delivered to my house. Good stuff. I was expecting a delivery. I did find it a bit strange, though. Claire and I had not left the house all morning, and had not heard anyone at the front door.

Based on past experience of Hermes, Claire checked our doorstep for parcels, as well as various other locations the delivery drivers like to hide things – under my wheelchair ramp, in the recycling bin, on the other side of the gate in the back garden. Nothing!

I tried to contact Hermes directly. The only obvious means of communication appeared to be to access their website and ‘chat’ to a robot named Holly. This was a total waste of time, as despite not being real, Holly was a rude cow, who needs to attend a customer relations course.

I politely asked if I could “speak to a human please”, to which she ignored me and just said that the parcel had been delivered. Aaarrrggghhh!!!

In the end, I emailed the retailer who sent me the parcel originally. Even though they hadn’t personally lost, stolen or eaten my package, it was their decision to use Hermes, so their mess to clean up. Put it this way, if I ran a hair salon and hired zombies to work for me (they would be dead cheap), I would expect to take the blame when my employees began eating the brains of my customers!

The retailer replied to my email pretty promptly. I was told that Hermes had delivered my parcel to the wrong address. Ha! I knew it! A lower IQ than rodents…

I am sure you are all wondering what it was I ordered, as well as the name of the retailer stupid enough to entrust Hermes to serve their customers.

Well, you need not worry. It’s unlikely that you will use the company yourself, seeing as it was Leeds United Football Club.

THIS FACE MASK IS WHAT ALL THE FUSS IS ABOUT

If by coincidence, you are a Leeds fan like myself, you’ll be used to being let down by the club, time and time again.

It’s not really a surprise that Leeds use a courier as shoddy as Hermes. After all, they’ve been appointing terrible managers for years…

I have to make an urgent call to the Grammar Police!

I would expect to see this kind of sloppy grammar on the likes of Twitter, but not while carrying out the weekly grocery shop!

“YOUR THE BEST…
CLEARLY NOT AT ENGLISH.”

I received an email a few days ago, informing me that my car was inappropriately parked and was at risk of being towed away…

There are a few things in this email which have made me question its authenticity, or if it was even intended for me.

Firstly, the most obvious clue… The name is wrong. You should know this because you are on SeansStories.com and not StevensStories.com – whereas I know it is not me because Steven Kitson is not my name.

Secondly, the location in which the car is parked is somewhere in America. As far as I am aware, I have never left Europe in my lifetime. I do remember an episode of The Simpsons, where Barney drives Homer’s car all the way to New York, only to park it illegally. I think he forgets.

It is therefore entirely possible that I somehow got a plane to the U S of A, acquired a SUV, went for a drive, dumped it somewhere, before returning home to England. However, given the fact I can’t even get myself into the shower at the moment, I think the idea of me catching a plane halfway around the world, is a little far-fetched.

To help solve the crime, I thought that I would carry out some investigations – after all, it would be nice to know exactly what I’m being accused of – or what Steven has done.

A business address was included in the email. I took this address and entered it into Google Maps.

This is what I found…

A pretty nice looking location. No wonder they don’t want any Tom, Dick or Harry dumping cars in their car park.

I did get a bit excited when I saw the white car. Especially with a woman getting in or out. There was the culprit! Sadly, although the vehicle on Google Maps is white – as is the one I allegedly dumped – it is not a Kia SUV. Oh, and yes, I did have to search Google Images to be sure!

This building and very attractive lake is directly opposite the car park on the previous screenshot. The entire place looks so calm and clean. There has to be a disadvantage of living here – the locals are probably all Trump supporters.

The main road (or is it the highway?) also looks like the place you could easily get mowed down by a truck. Try getting blood and bits of brain out of tarmac…