A major step forward in the house move was made today. The removal men transported all my stuff from my old flat to the new house. I was totally amazed at how fast they worked. All my possessions – my entire life – was loaded into a van before being driven a mile up the road and unpacked, in under an hour and a half. It was like watching David Attenborough documentary, where locusts strip an entire forest in hours, except in this case my whole flat was emptied and the work was done by men, not insects.

The rest of the day was spent on my own, undertaking the much longer task of cleaning my old flat, ahead of my imminent departure. There was lots and lots of dust, where furniture had stood for over 6 years. I was expecting to find hundreds of dead spiders in the spot of the TV cabinet. There was only one. The dozens I had terminated over the years must have turned to dust. Or been eaten by other spiders. Super spiders.

After filling the bowels of a vacuum cleaner, emptying an entire can of Cillit Bang into the shower and spraying far more Mr Sheen onto the surfaces than is healthy (hallucinations were caused), I can say my flat is clean. Well almost. I’ve still got to defrost the fridge and somehow clean the oven. I must have cooked thousands of pizzas over the course of my tenancy, and rather a lot of mess and stains have been left behind as a result. That’ll be my weekend job. As I said the other day, “I’m Never Moving Again”

Almost the entire Bank Holiday weekend has been spent preparing for the house move. Friday evening, Claire and I ordered a sofa. It is expected to take four weeks for delivery. FOUR WEEKS! Apparently it has to be built especially. Given the wait, I expect it to come from Geppetto’s workshop and to be handmade by Pinocchio and Jiminy Cricket.

Saturday was the big day. Key collection day. While sitting in the letting agency, waiting to sign our lives away onto a mountain of forms, I overheard a phone conversation between an estate agent and a potential tenant over the fact no properties existed where she could live with her children and collection of dogs. Despite only hearing one half of the conversation, it was evident the person on the other end of the phone was getting distressed at the thought of not being able to find a property where a landlord would permit her children and dogs to live. That’s life. If you really wanted somewhere to live, you would have them put down (the dogs, not the children).

We eventually got our keys and made our way (without dog) to our new house. We were shown around by a man who took a note of all the faults with the property, everything which was broken and the fact the house stunk of curry. As much as I like a curry, I don’t want my house to smell of it all day and all night. Hopefully after installing five hundred Glade plugins and leaving them turned on for a fortnight, the smell will disperse.

We began to leave the house and go to Twerton Park to watch Bath City. It was then we discovered the locks didn’t work. We had locked the house, with the front door wide open, therefore making it impossible to close. We were going nowhere.

Claire called the letting agency and was told to call a locksmith, which we would have to pay for. That’s when I went mad. I took the phone, and with my most demanding Victor Meldrew type attitude demanded they sort fix it. After a lot of arguing, including me sarcastically asking them the correct way in which I should operate a door lock, before threatening to sue them, we were told a senior manager would come round and fix the lock. They didn’t fix the lock. It didn’t need fixing. We were simply provided with a working key. Not a great start to the tenancy, although I was happy with the resolution and to have a locked door.

Upon leaving the house and locking the front door (correctly this time) an old woman appeared with her elderly dog. She introduced herself. I don’t remember her name, but for the purpose of this blog, we’ll call her Mrs Warboys. In a scene almost identical to that of a One Foot In The Grave episode, she told me that the hot tap bangs when it is in use and advised against using it late at night. Or in the day. Or ever. She said she was going to contact the landlord and make him fix it. I have a feeling we may have a few issues with her, with regards to noise. When I move my stuff in on Wednesday, I will make a conscious effort to leave my big speakers outside the house for long enough to get a good look. She’ll probably call the police.

Sunday was spent back in my old flat doing more packing. As all my stuff isn’t being moved until later in the week, my old flat is surrounded by boxes and bags. I can hardly move around. If a spider is spotted on the floor and hides among the clutter, it’s never being found. My Bank Holiday Monday, traditionally a day of rest, was far from relaxing. Even more packing was done and the always enjoyable task of defrosting the freezer. Oh joy. I’m never moving again.

Somebody call Jim White and tell him to leave the pub and get his arse back to the Sky Sports News studio. There is news. Not just ordinary news. Not just big news. No, this news is BREAKING NEWS.

“So what is this breaking news?” I hear you all cry.

“Has Alex Ferguson been found guilty of match fixing, thus relegating Manchester United to the Evo-Stik League Division One North?”

“Is it the story of Luis Suarez snubbing Arsenal to join Bath City?”

“Tell us John Terry has been knighted for his services to British sport, after winning Wimbledon, The Tour de France and Ashes series single- handedly.”

While all three of these stories are of course true, there is bigger, far better news…

Claire and I now have a house together. After our offer for a property in Weston Village was accepted last week, as of today, the references have been cleared and we’re ready to go. I’ve even booked a man with a van (or ‘men with ven’, to give it the plural term), to move all my stuff!

There are still lots of things to be done, like cleaning, buying furniture, organising bank accounts and, most importantly, getting Sky installed, but we’re well on the way to moving into a home together.

I broke the news to my current letting agency this evening. They probably won’t read my email until next week and will take even longer to reply – mainly as their preferred means of communication is carrier pigeon.

One thing I am not looking forward to is trying to get my deposit back. Considering I have lived in flat for over 6 years, I have done well to keep it in one piece and not demolished/burnt/flooded. Banning Simon from taking red wine into the property certainly helped. Removing all flammable material and matches from the flat while I listened to Leeds United games on the radio also kept pyromania-related incidents to a minimum. I just hope they don’t notice the cider stain on the kitchen wall. Blame that little accident on a very gassy alcoholic beverage, a glass bottle which had been shaken up and a magnetic bottle opener attached to the fridge.