Phew! I just about got this blog finished on time. I didn’t want the clock to hit midnight as it would mean creating a brand new page for September 2006. How’s that for speed? I can write and upload my blog before midnight of 31st August, but Ashley Cole is still to piss off to Chelsea! Anyway, the main feature presentation…
Yesterday I went to the cinema to watch Severance. This was Mr. Watkins’ choice of film and a choice I would like to congratulate him upon. Well done Johnny! You have surpassed yourself. This film was much better than some of your previous choices which included Boogeyman, The Jacket and Christmas with the Kranks… although I think that last one may have been mine.
Severance is one of those British films which stars a handful of British, Z-List celebrities you know that you have seen before, but can’t remember where. Maybe it was in a Guy Richie movie, possibly a BBC sitcom or even a television advertisement. Only IMDB.com holds the answer. I did wonder if the guy who played Steve (Danny Dyer) was a Brainiac. Sadly he wasn’t.
The film, like Shaun of the Dead, mixes horror with comedy, although it is a lot scarier than SOTD. A lot scarier! One scene involving a huge spider crawling up a dressing gown made me feel unwell. I could stomach the scene involving a foot being torn off by a bear trap. A woman being burnt alive – no problem. Hunters knife up the bottom – I didn’t flinch, but a spider on the back is the stuff of nightmares.
After the cinema I went to Nandos. It was late and because of this I was not hungry (my digestive system only functions 0700-2100 local time). For the first time ever, I left most of my Nandos, a terrible crime – burn me. After Mr. Watkins had finished his dish, he frowned at my poor attempt to consume a plate of chicken, chips and rice. I felt shame.
The only blessing of the trip to Nandos last night was that we got the meals 2-4-1 in conjunction with a special offer. The waitress serving us was also extremely attractive. I was convinced that somebody that cute could not have been cooking the chicken that evening as if she had I would have found a way to eat it, even if I had been suffering from some terrible projectile vomiting disease.
On that pleasant note I will say goodnight. “Goodnight!”
As I write this blog it has just gone midnight. The fucking internet has gone down so I will have to upload it in the morning, if service has indeed returned by then. If you are reading this message I now have internet…
I have had no luck with the Thai Bridge service and the kidnap of Gordon Ramsey seems to have failed, so I have resorted to eating out while my main source of food (parents) are away on holiday. This evening I went to Nandos.
Nandos can always be counted upon to make nice food and even though I have the same meal every time I go, it never gets boring. My order for the evening was, as always half a chicken, chips and spicy rice.
It seems you can never get enough of Nandos, although saying that, if you ever walk into the restaurant and the waitress greets you like an old friend instead of asking “Have you been to Nandos before?” you know there is cause for concern. You know it’s really serious when they give you a calendar at Christmas. I’ll let you know later on the year if I receive one for 2007.
After that I went back to my flat and watched Clerks on DVD with Mr. Watkins. A cult film that he is a big fan of, but I had never seen before. It was OK and raised a few laughs from myself. I have seen some clips of the sequel and that does look very funny!
Leeds United are on TV at lunchtime against Crystal Palace. I gave up predicting Championship games a long, long time ago, especially when Leeds are involved, so who knows what the outcome will be, hopefully 5-0 Leeds. Simon is coming to watch it with me after I tolerated his Arsenal game midweek. He can share in my joy if Leeds win and wipe away my tears if Leeds lose.
Finally, the very best of luck to Liverpool against Chelsea in the Charity I mean Mickey Mouse, I mean Community Shield this afternoon. Let your victory be the first of many defeats for Chelsea this season.
… fuck it, I’ll upload now through my mobile’s 3G connection. Damn you PlusNet!!!
Nandos of Bath. It’s just like being in Portugal, only without that c**t Ronaldo.
I ate all my chicken. I wanted more. I cried. Then I saw I had SPICY RICE!!!
A bit if a late blog tonight, Simon and Watkins have only just left after spending an evening of mischief at mine.
The evening started with Watkins picking me up and heading for Garfunkles in town. Annoyingly they were fully booked and we were asked to wait. As Simon was coming round later, we were on a tight schedule so decided to give it a miss and go to Nandos.
On the way to Nandos we stopped off at Morrisons supermarket to pickup a box of Coke for the evening. All the queues at the checkouts were ridiculously long, with people buying their monthly shopping. As we only had one item we went to pay at the kiosk.
While waiting in line at the kiosk, I joked to Watkins “If they don’t let us pay here, I will leave the £3.19 and walk off”. When we reached the front of the queue, we were greeted by a very gormless looking chap who told me that I would have to pay for my drinks at the checkout.
I agreed to pay at the checkout although Watkins was furious that I had not just left the money and ran. He got even angrier and rightly so, when the shop assistant at the checkout took what seemed like forever to finish a personal conversation with her mate she was serving and move onto us. Bitch.
We left the supermarket, Watkins still in a fit of rage that I had not done a runner. There were two reasons I didn’t. Firstly, I didn’t have the change and I wasn’t prepared to leave a five pound note on the counter. Secondly, following the customer service shown by the checkout and kiosk clerks I dread to think what would have happened had security been called to deal with us. We would probably have been sent to Guantanamo Bay.
Thanks to the fuck up in Morrisons we had no time left to go to Nandos so had to settle with KFC. Well that went well – not. They messed up both our orders, charged me for a large Zinger Meal yet only gave me regular fries and drink and when I asked for tomato sauce, was asked to pay 10 pence a packet. Fuck that.
I wanted to seek revenge. The idea of leaving a turd on the toilet floor did cross my mind, but I thought that would be going too far. Instead I helped myself to many handfuls of napkins. That’ll cost them at least the 10p they wanted to charge me for ketchup! Hahaha!
Later that evening Simon came round. We listened to an array of dance classics from the 1990s – a sure sign of age when you realise that all modern music is shit and love tunes from a past decade. We also played GoldenEye and Gary Linker’s Football Challenge, a DVD football quiz.
The raised blood pressure and adrenaline from the GoldenEye session caused mass heat radiation from all three of our bodies and it wasn’t long before my bedroom was unbearably hot – almost 30C. The fan was on and the window was open, albeit with that spider net covering it.
Watkins rightly pointed out that it would be a lot cooler if I removed the net and opened the door. That’s not going to happen, not when spiders are about outside. My arachnophobia caused great amusement for Watkins and Simon, however I did learn that Mr. Goater has a strange fear of frogs. At last, I have found the T2000’s only weakness. Next time we play football, I will carry a frog in my pocket and as he comes to tackle me, pull it out and thrust it into his face. What could possibly go wrong?
MASSIVE C**TS!
Mr. Watkins gets a little excited after making a killing on GoldenEye
Not a reading from the Reptile House at Bristol Zoo. This is from my bedroom!
Some thoughts on England’s exit from The World Cup today…
1) Owen Hargreaves is highly underrated. I take back every bad thing I have ever said about him. He should play as a regular for England.
2) Frankie “Fat” Lampard is a massive c*nt. Every thing bad I have ever said about him still stands. He must be dropped.
3) It is impossible for England to win a World Cup penalty shootout. It has never happened and will never happen.
4) I hate Cristiano Ronaldo. I disliked him before today but he is now my most hated player ever. He is a cheat and played a major role in Wayne Rooney’s dismissal. He does not deserve to play football. I hope Wayne Rooney performs a lunging tackle on Ronaldo in training, breaking his leg and ending his career. Sorry so sound harsh but Ronaldo is a dirty, diving, cheat.
Still at least Sven will no longer be in charge of England again. I am sure every single fan will be looking forward to new manager Steve McClaren’s reign, after all he is a tactical genius.
Anyway, I watched the game with Dan, Simon and a friend of Dan’s (one of the ones that I never normally see) in the cinema. It was an interesting experience and watching the game on a massive screen in High Definition was superb, I have to get Sky HD myself!
I took this photo in the cinema. It’s of the Portugal manager Scolari.
The pot-bellied Brailian was described hilariously by the commentator as “an expectant father”
Simon and I were very patriotic throughout the game, maybe a little too patriotic. Looking back on things we may have been shouting a lot louder than everybody else and also used a few choice four letter words beginning with ‘F’, ‘W’ and ‘C’. A little regrettable when we realised there were some young children sitting just a few seats away. According to Dan though, their mouths were as foul as ours.
After the football we went to the Portuguese restaurant Nandos. We did think of bringing a box of Molotov cocktails and bombing the place but thought it would be more gentlemen-like just to order some chicken, which as always was very nice.
We then decided to go back to my flat. There was a stupidly long debate into what means of transport would take us home. Half of us wanted to take a taxi, the other half the bus.
The bus lovers won and we joined the queue to get onto one. Dan, like a Portuguese tourist does not understand the meaning of a queue system and barged his way to the front. It was at this point Simon, Watkins and I had the excellent idea not to get on the bus. We let it drive off with Dan aboard all by himself. All in all an excellent and highly amusing practical joke.
Thirty minutes later we turned up at my flat to find Dan sitting outside looking dazed and confused. I am not sure whether he actually got the joke or not. He didn’t even seem angry, which is unusual for Dan. Maybe all his rage had been used up on Frank Lampard and the Argie referee.
With Dan, Watkins and Simon all round we thought it would be good to play GoldenEye. After all, it has been ages since “The Famous Four” had a game together. The four of us used to play at Dan’s old flat in weekly games over many years. We even ran a blog site GoldenEye blog. But this died along with Watkins’ webservers.
As always there was a great deal of madness involved today, mainly between Dan and Watkins who seems to become very stressed out with one another. Well, you can’t blame Dan for getting angry. During victorious moments Watkins tends to let out huge, girl like screams of gloat which are enough to enrage even the most placid of men.
Dan is a great punisher and had he lived in The Dark Ages would have been an excellent torturer in the London Dungeons. Today’s punishment for Mr. Watkins was to be force fed Dan’s smelly sock, a sock which had not been changed for over a week and contained over 20 litres of sweat.
I have a picture of the attack below. I can assure you that Watkins is not being arse raped, even though he is in considerable distress.
Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me!
It’s my birthday today and I have reached the ripe old age of 24.
The birthday celebrations started last night, went out with a group of friends to Nandos in town (their chicken is just so tasty).
After that we all went back to a friend’s for a house party – very brave of him I thought. The party was still going strong when the taxi picked me up late on, I think it went on all night, hope the house is still standing!
Today was spent with family inside (it’s been snowing and is cold outside) while finding the time to watch a cracking football game between Arsenal and Liverpool.
Off tonight for a meal at Eastern Eye, a highly acclaimed curry house. I’m a big fan of Indian food and this place is meant to be one of the best places for it in the South West, never been before so am looking forward to it.
About Me
So you stumbled across my blog. No doubt after searching for something bizarre on Google. Before you hit that 'Back Button', why not stay and have a read for a few minutes?
If you are after a website which gives advice on how to hack an iPhone X, download the latest Steven Seagal movie, or view nudy ladies, you've come to the wrong place and may now press 'Back'.
However, if you would like a lifestyle blog, written by a 30-something chap, living in Bath (England), feast your eyes on this.
You won't discover how to copy PlayStation 4 games. What you will find is a blog, covering life in the West Country, the highs and lows of supporting two unsuccessful football teams, while sharing a house with a wife and rabbit.
All written by a man, somewhere on the sanity-scale between normal and eccentric.
