With Valentine’s Day a little over a week away, I have begun the hunt for a card for Claire.

During my search, I found the card below…

Horrible, isn’t it. You won’t be surprised to learn that the U and the N are not blurred out on the real thing. That was done by me, to at least retain some decency on my blog.

Don’t worry – I’m not going to start crying and screaming “Won’t somebody think of the children!”.

Although one of the most inappropriate things I have ever seen, the card doesn’t offend me. This doesn’t mean that Claire will wake up to her own next Friday!

The reason why I am blogging about this card, is that it made me wonder – in what type of relationship is it acceptable to send your partner this? Maybe if your name is Melania and you’re married to a man called Donald…

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you combined two of your favourite things?

Surely a recipe for disaster?

If you are Julie Andrews, for example, don’t let your whisker-faced pet kitten anywhere near the kitchen – especially when mummy is cooking…

“This schnitzel with noodles is delicious. What’s in it, dear?”
“Has anyone seen Tiddles?””

I wonder what my favourite duo would be? A comfortable pillow made from chocolate? Sounds nice, but think practically – the pillow would start to melt and my face would become sticky. Plus I am sure I would wake up one night, to find my wife nibbling on my pillow! That’s not a euphemism, by the way.

There’s only one other option. Leeds United and rabbits. Impossible, right? Wrong!

I have spotted a job which I think I would be prefect for…

Just look at the salary!

It sounds interesting too…

Basically, I’ll be getting paid to tweet!

I’ll probably have to use Facebook too, but every job has its downsides.

It takes me about 10 minutes to get from my house to my work at the moment. 10 minutes! Literally from my front door to my work desk.

The new position will involve a slightly longer commute. While my current job is round the corner from home, this new one is in London – over 100 miles away.

I have worked out that’ll take me 28 hours 15 minutes to get to my new office, in Buckingham Palace. I suppose this means that I may need to sacrifice my lie-in, which I currently enjoy on most days. Did I mention that my means of transportation is a mobility scooter?

There is a lot to think about… I quite like the idea of working for a woman… being a supporter of equal opportunities and all that… will I have to pay the congestion charge for my scooter?… I’m a bit scared of riding along the M4… I wonder if the Queen will pay me cash in hand… then my pay will have may boss’ face on it. Nice.

If I decide to apply for the job as the Queen’s blogger/tweeter/nerd, I’ll let you know.

Should I decide to reject the offer from the Palace, I can think of someone else out of work, who enjoys tweeting…

I can’t say that I have ever had the pleasure. However, if this happened to me, I would make a terrible mess…

What do you see when you see this image?

According to psychologists, if you see a young woman looking behind her, you’re young yourself. If you see an elderly lady facing left, you’re old.

That’s wrong for starters.

I only saw the young woman, and had to read up on how to even spot the old lady’s face.

My wife, Claire, who is younger than me, instantly saw the older lady.

She put this down to the fact she works alongside the elderly in her job. I put it down to psychologists over-analysing things.