What’s worse than doing one big shop, while you are on annual leave? Answer: Doing two big shops while you are on annual leave.
Yesterday, not content with spending close to £200 in Asda the previous week, Claire and I joined her parents in a trip to Chippenham.
Over the course of my lifetime, I have only ever been to the Wiltshire town on a small number of occasions…
- To watch Chippenham Town Football Club. I will quote the Wealdstone Raider, when describing their ground – “what a shit hole”. Never again.
- The former head office of my former employer was situated in Chippenham. I had to attend a corporate induction there. I didn’t know where I was going, had to catch buses and trains, tripped over a broken bit of pavement and fell over, all before enduring hours of corporate boredom. Never again.
- Visit 3D Computers. A jewel in the turd that is Chippenham. This independent computer shop took a large proportion of my student loan, many moons ago. They provided an excellent service and built me some fabulous PCs. I don’t know if they still exist. If they have gone bust, I feel partly responsible, having not returned for 15 years.
- Food shopping in Morrisons. I have been before yesterday. Currently my only reason to visit the town.
As a rule, I never go supermarket shopping at weekends. For similar reasons, I also don’t play hopscotch in the middle of the M25 motorway or climb into the lion enclosure at Bristol Zoo.
Despite being a Friday, the shop was still far too busy for my liking. It was as if people remembered it was Jesus Christ’s birthday later this month, so had to celebrate, by buying enough food to gorge themselves until they are sick. Interesting fact: The Romans did exactly this on a regular basis – although they didn’t have a Morrisons or Tesco. There wasn’t even a Lidle!
The problem with supermarkets being busy, is that shoppers can’t operate their trolleys properly. I pray that they don’t drive their cars like they do their shopping trolleys. I even suffered some road rage, when some bastard cut me up, while I was on my scooter. What a c***. Never let me buy a car.
To be fair, I was originally all for this big Christmas shop. Although as time dragged on, I not only lost patience, but the will to live. All I wanted was to be back home, on the sofa, playing Red Dead Redemption, and hunting for snakes on Guarma island.
We eventually got to the checkout, which is where I realised that I was trapped. Due to the huge volume of shoppers, I was unable to drive my scooter down the narrow gap, in between checkout counters. By this point, I had realised that Christmas shoppers had bugger all festive spirit and were not going to move out of the way for my scooter. I therefore squeezed past a barrier. Lesson of the day: If a barrier warns that it is alarned, it most definitely is.
The journey home was interesting. By “interesting”, I mean a fecking nightmare. Claire’s satnav kept trying to direct her the wrong way. When Claire ignored the crazy woman inside the gadget, she threw a hissy fit and stopped giving us directions at all. Why won’t the bitch just admit she was wrong?
We drove back through Bath city centre. Another nightmare. Those awful Christmas huts were still out and causing havoc. People flock from all over the country to see these bastard wooden huts. I am proud to say that, as a Bath resident for over 26 years, I haven’t visited them once.
Now for a load of fascinating photos from a supermarket…
Toys right by the store entrance to get kids to cause hell for their parents. Child to his poor mum “I don’t know what to choose “. Mum’s response “We’re not going to choose anything”
Has anyone eaten this and lived to tell the tale?
A great pre-death snack, for anyone considering eating the curry.
Did I try to drive my scooter through that small gap? Did it fit? Answers: Yes and only just.
An eye mask, some lippy and presecco? What a truly fabulous night in!
This “bread” looks better suited with the butcher from League of Gentlemen
A cake absolutely covered in e-numbers. Guaranteed to turn a kids birthday party into utter mayhem
Funny – I always remembered the chocolates being smaller
A fully stocked shelf of cheap cider. Clearly Bath’s student invasion hasn’t reached Chippenham
Which packet to buy?
Decisions decisions… Just buy one of each
It is my dream to visit an empty supermarket. Imagine the speed I could reach, tearing down the empty aisles on my scooter. 5mph is more than possible!
Did I play with the screen, scan my own mobile and generally see what I could make the machine do? Of course not.
Sadly I couldn’t ride the swing boat. I was all out of 20 pence pieces.
Elvis isn’t dead and he’s residing in the last place anyone would think to look… Wiltshire
It’s reassuring to see there’s always someone monitoring the CCTV station.
Great work placing the e exercise bike by the wheelchair.
Just to remind the disabled that they will never be able to use one.
My plans to spend the day playing Red Dead Redemption 2, from morning until night, were ruined again! I’d have got away with it too, if it wasn’t for those meddling kids. I lie. It wasn’t the fault of any children, I had to make a trip to Bristol, to go shopping in Asda – or as the locals of BS30 call it, “Asdoor”.
Take a look at the photos below, to see how we got on…
After we had been up and down every aisle in the entire superstore (that’s no exaggeration), loading the trolley until it was on the verge of overflowing, we headed towards the checkout. Sadly, we were not taking part in Supermarket Sweep, so we had to pay for everything.
As the cashier scanned our massive shop, Claire and I looked on anxiously, worrying at just how much everything would cost. Once it was time for payment, I half expected Dermot O’Leary to turn up, to reveal the grand total, as if he was on Comic Relief announcing how much had been raised.
I won’t reveal how much it all cost, but let’s just say, for the same amount of money, I could have bought an Xbox on Black Friday.
Why not? Afterall, everyone associates flamingos with the birth of Jesus Christ.
The Best of EastEnders. The world’s shortest DVD.
Note to self: If I ever go fishing and fail to catch anything, nip into Asda on the way home, buy this and then soak in the praise.
If they ever make Wagon Wheels geletin free, it’ll be a happy day.
The new Quorn pizza. What an exciting time to be alive.
Cheap chicken burgers. Incidentally, there is more meat in the Quorn pizza, than in an entire box of these.
If you live in the modern world, you’ve probably bought something from Amazon. Even if, like me, you despise tax evasion, which they are well known for. To boycott such companies, you would be cutting off your nose to spite your face, simply to prove a point. Shamefully, not only do I but a lot of things from Amazon, I am also a Prime member.
What I am pleased to say, however, is that I rarely pay for the service. As I have previously said, I buy a lot online. I rarely go to the shops. Therefore, most things I buy, come from Amazon. Over the course of a month, an order is delayed. While this would annoy most people, it pleases me. The reason that I get excited by a late delivery, is because any hindrance caused to me by Amazon, however small, means a month’s free Prime!
All I do is monitor my orders. As soon as I notice that one may be late, I email their customer service department to complain. Try this yourself. Don’t be rude, but remember to use phrases like “As a Prime customer, I expect my orders to be delivered on time”. Another good one is to point out the fact Amazon state “Guranteed” when referring to the delivery date.
You may think that this is a little petty, but remember, I was given £10 last week, because Amazon delivered Call of Duty 4 a day late. Yesterday, I managed to get a months free Prime, worth £7.99, because some of my Christmas shopping did not arrive when it should have.
If you still feel uneasy about this kind of behaviour, remember Amazon’s tax dodging naughtyness… then call a free months Prime a tax rebate.
I went into town today. Things never seem to go well when I go there, and today appeared to be no exception. Five minutes into our car journey, we had to turn around and go back. I had been a tit. We had been given a voucher for Krispy Kreme doughnuts, as a Christmas present. Unfortunately, there isn’t a Krispy Kreme in Weston Village, so the only place to use our voucher is in town. I suppose it’s a good thing that there isn’t a KK down the road, as I would probably weigh 50 stone.
Town wasn’t the busy hell hole it usually is. The kids were all back in school and the students were nowhere to be seen – probably in lessons, or down the pub. Yes, down the pub. This left just left lots of elderly dears, trying to find a bargain in the January sales; as well as mothers and their babies. It was all very subdued – which is a good thing. In the past, people have been mad – totally unaware of their surroundings and therefore ploughing their shopping trollies into the aisles, each other and my shins!
I was kindly given a Super Dry hoody for Christmas. It came with a voucher, enabling me to a £25 discount when I spend £75. I knew all too well that it was a ploy to get me into their shop and I ALMOST fell for it. The only thing which stopped me from spending money, was the fact that the only stuff left in their sale was crap, and Claire being the voice of reason, telling me that I already have a wardrobe full of clothes.
We looked in Game. I was hoping to find a bargain, but not expecting anything. I wasn’t wrong. A copy of Zelda for the Wii U, second hand, for £39.99. FORTY QUID for a used game. Pink Planet Games Exchange will be spinning in its grave.
Far too much money was spent in Marks and Spencer, considering we had only received a Tesco delivery yesterday – but they do sell very nice food. Tonight we have a luxury pizza, although considering we were originally going to eat out in town and decided against it, we are probably up financially.
After what seemed liked we had been in town for five years, with my feet ready to drop off, we finally made it to Krispy Kreme. We had to pick a dozen doughnuts – six each. This is always a challenge and I feel on the spot, as the server waits on patiently for me to make my selection. I don’t work well under pressure and am worried I’ll say something wrong. I guess this is what it’s like to be on a game show, like The Chase.
The drive home was dangerous. Dangerous because there were so many people on the road, who don’t know how to operate their cars. Most of the peril occurred in the car park, while drivers desperately tried to find somewhere to park. We had no issues parking on the ground floor. People are clearly too lazy to go that far down though – they’d literally drive their cars up and down the shopping aisles if they could.
When we finally got back home, we dined on doughnuts and some of our M&S findings. I’d like to say that the rest of the afternoon was a calm and relaxing one – we certainly needed it, after the madness of Bath City Centre. Instead we had to rearrange the entire utility room, ahead of delivery of a tumble dryer tomorrow. We then had to box up all our Christmas crap, move it to the garage, before vacuuming everywhere. Phew! Tomorrow, I fully intend to do f-all.
When my work colleagues told me the date of this year’s Black Friday, I thought “SHIT”. I had already planned to visit Clarks Village, with Claire and her parents, to do Christmas shopping, on that day. I envisaged the small town of Street, where Clarks Village is based, being awash with tens of thousands of bargain hunters, all fighting over a half price pair of jeans in Next.
Luckily, my worries about Black Friday were unnecessary. Street was relatively quiet and I enjoyed a nice walk around the shops. This is some statement for me, as I usually hate shopping. There are many things in life which I prefer to shopping, which include having a filling at the dentist and unblocking the toilet with my bare hands. Street was nice, though, and I ended up buying some good presents for other people… and some treats for myself from the Cadbury store and Body Shop!
Halfway through our shopping trip, we went into Pizza Express for lunch. This is always a popular place to go. After all, who doesn’t like pizza? The food was as amazing as always, but the cleanliness of the seating area left a lot to be desired. What appeared to be tomato sauce was smeared all over the table, where I was sat, and up the wall. It was as if there had been a pizza fight. I should have really said something to the waiter, but was feeling all Christmassy, so let it go. I was also too embarrassed to get my mobile phone out and take a photo.
The vast majority of my shopping has been done online. Amazon has done very well indeed from me this year – their shares have no doubt rocketed. This has resulted in loads and loads of parcels being delivered over the past few days. I am sure the poor chap who delivers my packages, hates me right now. I think I annoyed Claire a bit too, as she has days off in the week, due to working night and weekend shifts, so had her rest disturbed by frequent bangs on the door from delivery men.
Now all my shopping is complete, I’ve got the unpleasant task of wrapping the gifts I have bought. I don’t know why, but I am totally useless at wrapping. When I hand presents out on Christmas morning, it looks like they’re from the dog. Claire, on the other hand, along with most women, wrap gifts perfectly. Basically, women can wrap presents, men can’t. I have no idea why that is. Clearly something to do with evolution.
About Me
So you stumbled across my blog. No doubt after searching for something bizarre on Google. Before you hit that 'Back Button', why not stay and have a read for a few minutes?
If you are after a website which gives advice on how to hack an iPhone X, download the latest Steven Seagal movie, or view nudy ladies, you've come to the wrong place and may now press 'Back'.
However, if you would like a lifestyle blog, written by a 30-something chap, living in Bath (England), feast your eyes on this.
You won't discover how to copy PlayStation 4 games. What you will find is a blog, covering life in the West Country, the highs and lows of supporting two unsuccessful football teams, while sharing a house with a wife and rabbit.
All written by a man, somewhere on the sanity-scale between normal and eccentric.
