Courtesy of Tesco.

• A yoghurt pot which did its best to blow itself up.
• A box of fake fish fillets, which had made the decision to bravely attempt to escape, thus damaging the packaging.
• One packet of freshly baked Danish pastries. Whoever did the baking clearly forgot to seal the box containing the tasty Scandinavian treats!

All three of these scenarios are plasable, as is the more likely scenario involving a half asleep, half hungover grocery picker, forced into working at 3am. Accidentally dropping and then standing on one, two, or even all of the items, before gingerly bending down to pick up the crushed food and dumping it into the trolley – all while trying not to be sick.

I am far too tired and ill to mention the Bold Washing Tablet fiasco…

Oh, and when I say “ill”, there’s no danger of an imminent return to hospital. Just lots of symptoms to make me feel crap.

The war with Tesco has finally come to an end. After many years of complaining to customer services, followed by assurances that they had changed and we would never be sent out of date food again, or discover our items had gone missing, I have called a truce.

I will not be using Tesco online, for my weekly shop, again.

This week, we decided to try Morrisons, just for a change. They were amazing. Everything we ordered was delivered, there were no substitutions, or food with poor use by dates. We were even given a free gingerbread man! The only thing Tesco have given us, in the past, was stress.

Morrisons were brilliant. I would highly recommend them. I am sure I have cursed it all now and they will send me a severed head in a box, next week.

I chose to forego my salad for today’s lunch. A colleague had bought a Coronation Chicken sandwich from Tesco. Inside the sandwich, hiding inbetween two lettuce leaves, was a giant dead moth. Luckily he didn’t eat it.

My leafy salad was also purchased from Tesco. Now, I know it’s unlikely I’ll find any dead creatures in my lunch, but I wouldn’t be able to eat my salad, without thinking there could be a dead insect, waiting for me under a leaf of ice berg.

There’s nothing like a cock up from Tesco to get me blogging again…

Yesterday, our delivery driver kindly dropped off our weekly shop. Along with all our crisps, cake and coke (the 3 essential C’s, and your five a day), we had some oranges. These oranges came with a free gift. Mould. I’m not one for consuming mould, even though I’ve been reliably informed that by regular eaters of the stuff enjoy it – apparently the mould will grow on you (apologies for that terrible attempt of a joke).

A mouldy orange really did make me wonder if as much thought goes into picking our groceries, as Tesco claim.

Anyway, all’s well that ends well. After slating them on Twitter – the essential complaint tool for any modern day Victor Meldrew – I received a refund. In the old days, I would have demanded compensation, for coming into contact with toxic food, but I’ve mellowed in the last year and gone past caring.

It has been a while since I last blogged about any Tesco atrocities. It hasn’t been lack of mess ups on their part which has seen be stop. I am just fed up of the entire thing. Fed up of the endless complaints over the phone, through email and Twitter. I wrote a formal complaint last month, following the delivery driver going AWOL with all our frozen shopping. I received a grovelling apology and voucher. The gesture was appreciated, and in my opinion, deserved. However, the problems continued.

Apparently our local store, in Brislington, have an employee specially in place to oversee shops of VIP customers, to ensure everything is correct and in a fit state to be sent out to their homes. Due to the our complaints, I was told that we were one of these VIPs. Based on recent deliveries, either this new employee has left their post, they’re useless at their job or we are not a VIP anymore. Today’s latest piece of genius from Tesco was delivering an out of date quiche. I suppose it’s a good thing my wife, Claire, checked the date and we didn’t start eating it, or we could have become unwell. Who the fudge picks an out of date product off the shelves to give to a customer? The other mistake made me laugh. Claire, a vegetarian, ordered a VEGETARIAN ready meal. The VEGETARIAN meal was unavailable. It was substituted. Guess what for? A LAMB curry. If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry. What kind of people are Tesco employing? I know mistakes happen, but things are going wrong almost every week!

We recently tried Ocado, because there was an appealing voucher for new customers to receive money off their first shop. In the past, we had avoided Ocado, due to the belief that they would be too expensive, because of their association with Waitrose. I did not find the shop from Ocado to be overpriced. In fact, following the first shop from Ocado, we returned. We were gifted a selection of frozen food, worth £20, for free. The food we ordered was of a high quality, with the delivery driver coming across as warm, helpful and friendly.

After talking to an equally frustrated wife this morning, we have decided to avoid Tesco deliveries for now and continue with Ocado. We may even take a dabble with Asda and Morrisons. I told Tesco exactly what I thought of them, on Twitter. It didn’t bring back our quiche, but it made me feel better, knowing that a thousand-odd followers will see how rubbish Tesco are.